My Sister's Shadow
by Stargirl8989
Summary: A year after Lia's death, her little sister Emma falls into the same destructive habits as Lia did. Any characters from Wintergirls are not mine. May contain triggering behaviors.
1. Mirror image

Mirror Image

I look in the mirror, and I see my sister's reflection staring back at me. My eyes are just as lifeless as hers were. My long blond hair is completely dead, just as hers had been. My bones stick out of my body in places they shouldn't. I am a mirror image of Lia before she got taken away when I was nine years old.

I hear a whisper in my ear, barely audible.

_You're almost there Em, you're almost there. _

I close my eyes and turn away. It can't be her. She is gone, she's never coming back. I am making it up.

My mom calls me from downstairs. It's time to go. I look around my room for the last time, and then pick up my suitcase. I will not turn out like Lia or Cassie.


	2. Anniversary

AN: I know Lia didn't actually die in the book, but it needed to happen this way for the story. Reviews are always welcome and appreciated!

(One Year Earlier)

"Emma!" I hear my mom call from downstairs. I pull the covers over my head, not ready to face this day. If I just pretend to be asleep maybe they will leave me alone. There are footsteps coming up the stairs. No such luck.

"Em, I know this is a hard day for you, it's a hard day for all of us," my mom, Jennifer, sits down on the end of my bed and rubs my leg. I blink back tears before I unveil my face. "David and I were thinking we could go through her room today, then maybe go and visit her." I nod my head, and mom leaves the room so I can get ready.

I barely have time to shut the door before the tears overflow. I sit curled up on the floor, hugging the sweater I took from her room, and cry.

My mom stands between David and I, holding our hands like glue holding us together. David is struggling to hold back his tears almost as hard as I am. We stand like that, the three of us, in front of the door we're all afraid to open, the reality we'll never be completely ready to face.

My step-sister, Lia, died a year ago today. She was 21 years old, and supposedly getting better. When I was 9 years old and she was 18, she was taken away to New Seasons, where she spent the next three years 'recovering' from her eating disorder, and dealing with the grief of losing her best friend to the same eating disorder.

Lia was released a few weeks after her 21st birthday, and she was living in an apartment that David and her mom had paid for. Her discharge sheet said she was cured, but Lia was always good at acting. Two months after she was released from New Seasons, I went to visit her after school and found her passed out on her bed. They couldn't revive her. Her death was ruled a suicide, but no one ever found a note.

"Let's get this over with," David's voice is so soft, it's almost a whisper. We wait another minute before mom finally lets go of my hand and turns the doorknob.

The room looks exactly as it did before Lia went to New Seasons. After she was released she was supposed to come back and get her stuff, but she was so busy with her new job she didn't have enough time. No one had entered the room since Lia died, except the one time I stole one of her sweaters. I needed to feel her near me.

The clothes were still strewn across the floor, classic Lia style. My mom starts folding them and placing them in one of the Rubbermaid containers. David sits on her bed and looks around, not quite sure how to deal with the emotions of losing his only daughter. I head right for Lia's desk. Her jewelry is everywhere, and her journals are hidden under a pile of old notebooks from high school. I take them, not wanting them to be thrown out.

It takes us about 2 hours to pack everything into labeled Rubbermaid containers. Mom and David take them up to the attic while I get ready to go to the cemetery.

_Now I'm really gone._

The whisper was so faint, I was almost sure I made it up. But I can smell her, and it feels like she's right next to me. I am going crazy.


	3. Whisper in the Wind

AN: Sorry this chapter is so short. Reviews are always welcome and appreciated!

Whisper in the Wind

The drive to the cemetery seems longer than it should. No one talks, and the quiet music on the radio is the only thing to break the silence. Lia's presence hangs over our heads. In my hand I hold Lia's favorite necklace, one that I had made her at summer camp the first summer she was in New Seasons. It had long since broken, but she couldn't bear to throw it away. I also found a piece of seaglass in Lia's jewelry box. I figured it was important to her because of the way it was protected and hidden in an earring box.

When we get to the cemetery, mom, David, and I sit next to Lia's grave. None of us talk. Minutes pass, then mom and David say it's time to go. I ask for a few minutes to myself, and they nod and head toward the car.

"Hey Li," I whisper. "I miss you."

_I miss you too, Em._ The leaves rustled in the wind and I heard the soft whispering voice again.

I add Lia's necklace and the seaglass to the collection of other things people had left for her. Some people left letters or poems, and others left flowers or small figurines.

The ride home is just as silent as the way there. I think about the whispers I've heard today. It can't be Lia. There's no such thing as ghosts. But how could it sound so much like her, and feel like she's right there next to me? I'm actually going crazy.

"Em, go get ready for ballet and David will drive you on the way to his night class." I sigh, shake off the weight of my dead sister off my shoulder, and run upstairs to my room.


	4. Decisions

AN: This is another short one. I promise that they will start getting longer once I get further into the story. This is my first fanfiction, so reviews and tips are greatly appreciated!

Decisions

Ballet is one of the two sports I am really good at. The other is soccer. I know, not a very common combination. When Lia was in New Seasons, I would visit her on weekends and the only thing they had was an old soccer ball that we would kick around for hours. I went from being a mediocre 9 year old to being the youngest player on the U16 team at thirteen.

Ballet started a year after Lia went to New Seasons. My mom and David thought I needed something to boost my self-esteem, and to keep me busy after school so neither of them would have to leave early from work. I was a natural at ballet, and I was moved up to the junior advanced class within 6 months. Something about the strict timing and choreography fit in perfectly with my love of organization and control.

There are 4 other girls in my class. Another girl and I are the oldest, and next year we will probably move up to the intermediate or senior group. The other girls are 10, 11 and 12. We do group routines occasionally, but mostly we just train, and practice, and workout.

Kasia and I are in constant competition with each other. We're the oldest girls in the class, and by far the most advanced. Kasia has the body of a dancer, whereas I've always been a bit larger than average. She had been dancing at the studio since she was 3 years old, and when I came in, she was jealous of my natural ability.

Jo, my dance teacher, is intense, but you can tell she really cares about us and wants to make us better dancers. Tonight is our workout night, so the focus is more on strength training and cardio rather than technique and learning new steps. We do about a hundred pliés, pushups, sit-ups, and crunches. We use skipping ropes and do jumping jacks. We end the night by practicing jump combinations across the centre of the room.

"She'd better lose some of that weight before the show or else she won't fit the costume," I hear Kasia say in a not-so-quiet voice to one of the other girls, Brooke. They both giggle and stare at me. The comment stings, but I shake it off. I know I am a good dancer.

"Can I talk to you for a minute, Emma?" Jo asks as I'm about to enter the change room. "I know today must be hard for you." I nod in agreement. Jo was a few years older than Lia, and they were in high school at the same time. However, Jo was the student council president and a member of every club, whereas Lia tried her best just to be invisible.

"You know you can talk to me if you ever need to, Em." Jo reaches over and gives me a hug. I lean into her and it feels nice to be comforted by someone. I blink back tears, about to tell her everything, when all of a sudden I hear it again.

_Don't tell. Don't tell our secret. _

I pull away, "I..I've got to go. Thanks Jo, I'll see you tomorrow." Jo smiles and I rush into the change room. All of the other girls have left except for Kasia.

"I don't know how you manage those leaps with that extra fat on your body," Kasia sneers. I ignore her. The comment hurts more because of Lia, not because I actually believe that I am fat. "Shut up, Kasia." I mutter as she leaves the room.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Maybe I am slightly overweight, but I've always been bigger than most of the other girls in my class. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to lose a little bit of weight before the show, just enough so that my costume would fit and I wouldn't have to suck in my stomach. Maybe Lia wrote something in one of her journals about how she started. I would never go as far as her, but something must have worked.

I'm too concentrated on Lia's journals to even think about eating when I get home, or even telling my mom and David about class. I make up some excuse about being tired and run up to my room, eager to discover some of my sister's deepest, darkest secrets.


	5. Secrets

AN: I do not promote eating disorders in any way, shape, or form. Please review!

Secrets

The first journal is from Lia's 8th grade year. 8 years before she died. It's funny how I measure my time in relation to Lia now. The year after she went away to New Seasons. The month after she died. The year she became my step-sister. She is kept alive in me, if I don't forget her, she will never be gone.

_Cassie didn't come to school today. I tried calling her house, but her mother said she's sick. I hope they didn't find out. Maybe they caught her and she had to fake it. _

_Mom wasn't home again for dinner tonight, so it was no problem for me to skip it. I took some leftovers out of the fridge, microwaved them, then disposed of them in a plastic bag. Mom will never know the difference, not that she'd notice anyways. It's time to work out now. Maybe 10 times up and down the stairs, and an hour on the treadmill. _

_I hope Cassie is at school tomorrow, I have to tell her that I've lost 3 pounds this week!_

_Apple  
Toast (with no butter)  
Carrots  
Salad with no dressing  
Celery._

That was it. Lia's diet sounds scary, but it must have worked for her. If I could manage to lose three pounds in a week, I'd be down 20 by show time. That should work fine. Maybe I won't be as intense as her. I'd forgotten that she was vegetarian, so I could add some meat in. And mom would never let me miss dinner. I'd have to increase the exercise to balance it out.

On the top of the page, Lia had scrawled in a web address- .org. Out of curiosity, I open it on my computer. I see a bunch of weight loss tips, a link to some discussion boards, and pictures. My mom calls me for dinner, so I bookmark the page and close my laptop.

"So… The big eighth grade tomorrow, eh Emmy?" David smiles. I totally forgot that school starts tomorrow. "Do you have everything?"

"Uh…I think so. Allie's mom is going to pick me up tomorrow morning so you don't have to worry about me getting to school on time."

Luckily, my mom cooks pretty healthy food. Before Lia got really bad, my mom used to think I was too fat for my age and made me eat healthy food all the time. Afterwards, she let off a little bit. I think she was afraid that once I got old enough to understand body image, I would fall into the same eating patterns as Lia.

I pick at the chicken on my plate, and I eat a bit of salad with no dressing. Something tells me that mashed potatoes aren't particularly good for losing weight. I should probably do some research on what foods I should and shouldn't eat.

"Are you feeling sick, honey?" My mom looks concerned. I don't want to scare her by mentioning my diet, so I make up some excuse about being nervous for school and ask to be excused.


	6. Water Weight

AN: Warning- some content may be triggering. Also, the website mentioned is not the site I use at all, all of the 'tips' come from tumblr blogs.

Water Weight

_Cassie lost 5 pounds this week. Her collarbones are starting to stick out. My body still has fat in all the wrong places. I didn't eat at all today. Mom never notices. _

_Sometimes I wish I could just fade away. I don't think anyone would notice. Mom's never home and Cassie is my only friend at school. Maybe I can lose enough weight that I will cease to exist. _

I wake up late the next morning on purpose so that I can be in a rush and skip breakfast. On the website, most of the girls said that breakfast is the easiest meal to skip because parents don't want you to be late for school.

I run downstairs about 2 minutes before Allie and her mom are supposed to get here.

"Em, you need to eat."

"Mom, I'm going to be late. I'll grab something at school." My mom gives me a muffin anyways. Allie's mom pulls up and honks the horn. "Bye mom. See you tonight."

Allison Lee has been my best friend pretty much since we started kindergarten. Our parents often call us 'the twins' because we look so much alike, with the same long blond hair and blue eyes. Allie is shyer than I am, but she has a heart of gold.

"Hello Emma," Ms. Lee greets me. Allie smiles slightly and gives me a hug. I can tell she's nervous.

"Hey Al! My mom wants you to have this. She said it's for good luck." I smile and hand her the muffin from my pocket.

"Oh thanks Em! Your mom's muffins are the best." Allie devours the muffin and I smile inside because skipping out on meals is easier than I expected.

The day passes by fairly quickly. Luckily Allie and I are in the same class, along with one of our other friends, Keira. At lunch we sit with the rest of our group. I am part of what you would call the 'popular' crowd, but Allie is really the only person I've ever trusted, except Lia of course.

No one notices that I don't eat much of anything except some cucumber salad and an apple. We are all too busy talking about which boys have grown cuter over the summer and comparing our tans.

I walk home after school with Allie, Keira and her twin Kayleigh. Allie comes to my house like she normally does until her mother gets home. I offer to make us both sandwiches because I'm starving. I mean, one sandwich can't ruin my diet right? I don't want to be as extreme as Lia was.

"I can't believe it's been a year." Allie looks at the picture of Lia on my desk. The picture was taken right after Lia left New Seasons, and she looked healthier than I had ever known her to be.

Allie is the only person who I can stand to talk about Lia with. After Lia's funeral, when my mom was busy concentrating on David and his grief, Allie slept over at my house for a month. It helped with the nightmares, and if either of our moms noticed, they never said anything.

We chat in my room for a bit before Allie has to rush home for dinner. Her mom is a doctor, and Allie likes to spend as much time as possible with her before she gets called in again. I hear David get home and mom calls me down for dinner.

**Pro-Ana Tip: Water Weight.**

**When you don't drink enough water in a day, your body clings to the available water in your system. The body doesn't know the next time it will get more, so it stores it. All this excess water shows up on the scale!**

**Solution: Make sure you drink about 8 glasses of water (or 2L) per day.  
( .org).**


	7. Disappointment

AN: Thanks to VictoriaGracie for my first review! The BMI calculator I used in this section was found on google, except I changed one of the values last minute, so the BMI that shows is not accurate (it is not referenced in the story again at any other point).

Disappointment

About a week into my diet, I realize that my mom doesn't keep a scale in the bathroom. I guess she figured it would be triggering for Lia when she visited, or she's still afraid that I might end up like her.

I know that mom had a special one from the first time Lia was released from New Seasons and came to live with us. I have no idea where it could possibly be, or if we even still have it. I look in the obvious places first (the closet, mom and David's room, etc.), but find nothing. I look through Lia's stuff from her room, then the boxes from her apartment.

And then I see it, hidden behind a box of my old clothes. It wasn't even mom's scale, it was Lia's special scale, the one she had hidden in her room that she thought I didn't know about. I lift it up, and I can see the worn out places where Lia stood, multiple times a day.

I remember the first time I saw her. It was right after mom had weighed her on the scale downstairs. She'd run back up to her room right away, not even stopping to talk to me. I had a question for her, so I followed her upstairs. She had forgotten to lock her door like she normally did, so I snuck into her room. I saw her standing completely naked on the scale. She looked scary; her bones were sticking out of her body. "EMMA! GET OUT!" She screamed, grabbing her housecoat to cover herself. I ran all the way to my room and Lia slammed her door.

After that day, I always watched Lia. Every time after weighing day, she'd run upstairs. I could see her through the crack in the door. She would do it after school too, and after dinner. I could always tell what the results were. If she was happy, she'd jump off the scale, get dressed again, and come right out. If she was upset, she'd flop down on her bed and lie there for at least 10 minutes before even moving. I always wondered what she was thinking during that time.

I take the scale back to my room and stare at it. I'm not sure I want to do this; I've never even used one before unless I was at the doctor. Slowly I start to take off all my clothes, like I'd seen Lia do hundreds of times before. I turn it on and wait for it to flash zero. I step on, my feet in the same places Lia's had been. In a few seconds, the numbers come up. 140.0 lbs. I don't even know if this is normal or not.

I put my clothes back on and start my computer. After a few web searches, I finally find a site that will tell me how normal I am.

**Age: 14  
Height: 5'4"  
Weight: 160 lbs****  
Based on the height and weight entered, the ****BMI is 24.0****, placing the BMI-for-age ****at the 86th percentile ****for girls aged 14 year. This teen is ****overweight.**

So there it is, in black and white in front of me. The truth that Kasia and the other girls have been pointing out for years. I am overweight. I am fat.

I think I know now a bit of what Lia must have been thinking all of those times—she was disappointed, sad, upset. She was thinking that she was a failure.

_I gained a pound this week. I don't know how it happened. I can't go to school tomorrow. I can't face Cassie until it's gone. No eating tomorrow. I will exercise all day. _

_I don't understand what happened. I did everything right. I am a failure. Cassie is going to be so disappointed if she ever finds out. I can't lie to her. This has to be gone by the next time I see her. _


	8. Heart to Heart

AN: I realized there was a discrepancy with Emma's weight (at one point I wrote 140lbs and then 160lbs later). Her actual weight is 160lbs! I know this is a short one, the next one will be longer, I promise!

Heart to Heart

The days pass by quickly. Grabbing breakfast on the go so I can avoid scaring my mom. Skipping lunch at school by gossiping all lunch hour with my friends. Eating small snacks after school so I will have enough energy for ballet. Eating most of dinner so my parents don't get suspicious.

A week after I first weighed myself, I am down to 155 lbs. Two weeks later, I finally reach 150. I'm happy, but I want more. I can't cut much more food out of my day without anyone noticing, so I know I need to start exercising more.

"Allie, I think I want to quit soccer." Allie and I are sitting on my trampoline eating grilled cheese sandwiches.

"How come, Em?" Allie is too concentrated on her sandwich to look up.

"I just don't feel like it anymore. I don't love it like I used to, you know? It's been…hard since Lia died. Soccer was kind of our thing."

"You know, Em, I've noticed you've been kind of quiet lately. Is everything okay? You seem…different somehow." Allie looks at me, and I can see genuine concern in her eyes. I open my mouth, ready to tell her everything, and then I hear it.

_Don't tell her. She won't understand. _

It's the voice again, barely audible just like before. "I'm fine Al, really." I force a smile, "it's just, I'm really starting to like dance, and I'm thinking about auditioning for the competition team so I'm going to have to take more classes, and I can't balance dance and school and soccer." The lie falls out of my mouth before I can even stop it. Now that I think about it though, it doesn't sound like a bad idea. More dance classes means more exercise, and the competition team trains even harder than normal classes.

"Ok," Allie smiles back, "but you know I'm here for you, Em. You can call me anytime. I love you, you're like the sister I never had." Allie leans over to give me a hug, and I hold her tight. I want so badly to tell her what's going on, to let her in. But something about the whisper tells me that I should keep it a secret for a little bit longer.

Allie and I sit in silence with our arms wrapped around each other's shoulders. Something about being close to her gives me comfort, even if we don't talk. Allie is my rock, and I feel terrible lying to her, but I can't tell her my secret yet.

"Allie?" I say, and she looks up. "Promise me that, no matter what, you'll never leave me. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Lia, of course I won't. You're my best friend, my sister. Listen, I have to run and have dinner with mom, but she's working the night shift tonight. As soon as she leaves, I'll come back over, ok?" I nod and Allie runs off. I'm glad, I really don't want to be alone tonight.


	9. New Day, New Class, New Goals

AN: Thanks to VictoriaGracie for another review! AND thanks for finally getting me to 100 hits on my story! This chapter focused a lot on dance, so if you don't like it or think it's boring, please, please tell me! I will try to focus less on it in following chapters (unless you guys like it of course!) Just to warn you, I might not be able to post as often in the coming weeks as I have a lot going on, but I will try to post at least once a week!

New Day, New Class, New Goals. 

Jo is ecstatic when I mention taking more classes to her, and the possibility of auditioning for the competition team. "Oh Emma! I'd been hoping you would make this decision, but I didn't want to force you into anything. You and Kasia are going to be great additions to our intermediate competition team!" My heart sinks at the mention of her name. I hadn't counted on her joining the team too.

Jo invites me into her office and we sit down. "The competition team starts classes and rehearsals in a few weeks. You'll have to attend all of the intermediate classes, including your own junior ballet classes. It's going to be an intense few weeks, but I know you can do it." I nod my head, I am up to the challenge.

After school, I head to my first intermediate class—Acro. I've never done acro before, but I've always been pretty flexible and I pick up new dance tricks fairly easily. Most of the girls in the intermediate classes are already in high school. Instead of being the oldest, Kasia and I are now the youngest. I watch the other girls warm up, and they are really good. Kasia and I get dressed, then we enter the studio. I look around at the other girls, trying to compare myself to them. I am easily the biggest one in the room. I hide in the back corner of the room. Kasia looks nervous too, for once she hasn't said anything mean to me. She takes the place beside me.

Jo doesn't teach the acro class. Karissa is younger than her, and I think she might have been in Lia's year at school. I hope she doesn't know me. It's not that I don't like thinking about Lia, but I'm tired of everyone feeling sorry for me.

We start with a normal dance work out that we do in our ballet class—mostly stretching, and some push ups, sit ups, and pliés. I've never done acro, so I'm totally lost when it comes to starting the actual tricks. Luckily, I am able to manage the hand stands and chin stands just fine. Kasia is looking like she's struggling, but she manages to do it at least. For once, I feel a connection to her. We're in this together.

Near the end of the class, we start doing jumps. I'm able to manage the back layouts and handsprings, but the aerials just scare me. The girls seem to do it flawlessly, but I'm terrified to try it. Karissa lets Kasia and I use our hands for this time, but tells us that next week she won't be as accommodating.

After class, my body burns. I don't remember ever working this hard, but I know it's a good feeling.

"I don't know how you managed to do those tricks; I'm surprised your shoulders didn't give out carrying all that fat on the handstands." Kasia sneers at me as she leaves the dressing room. Any connection I felt to her instantly disappeared.

She's just jealous, I thought. I could do almost all of the tricks, whereas she was struggling. I catch sight of myself in the mirror on the way out and stop to look. It's the first time I've looked in a mirror and actually despised what I saw. I must have looked ridiculous trying to do those tricks. Maybe Kasia was right. I'd have to step up my dieting and exercise if I want to be on the competition team and succeed with dance.

"How did it go, Emma?" I blink away tears and turn to see Jo standing in the doorway to the change room. "Emma, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

I wipe away the tears. "I think I pulled something in my shoulder, it'll be fine by tomorrow. I really enjoyed acro, I just need a lot of practice." I fake a smile and Jo gives me a hug. Once again, I want to tell her everything, but I remember the whispering voice and stop myself.

"Remember, Em, I'm always here for you. I know I'm your dance teacher, but I really care about you. You can come to me anytime." Jo gives me another hug and then leaves the change room.

I go home that night and skip dinner, using the excuse that I hurt my shoulder and needed to take a hot shower, and that I was really tired and needed to go to bed early to be on time for school tomorrow.

I will be skinny, I thought. I will be a good dancer.

**Top Secret- How to Lose Weight:**

**- Eat more fruits and veggies.  
- At least 30 minutes of cardio every day.  
- Get enough sleep every night.  
- BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN **

**(thinspiration . org)**


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